“Screaming and Crying”
“Life Fades Out”
“Creative Inspiration”
I care.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
No I don’t.
“The Same”
Today
I could have spent this day so much better than I have. I mostly ate food. I tried to get somewhere and failed. I saw one other person. I didn’t shower. I barely dressed.
I’m either a baby or a homoerectus.
Grab Stuff, Don’t Let Go
I can’t tell if I am very bad or very good at what I do. Maybe I’m mediocre. Maybe I’m just inconsistent. And I get so little feedback. Of course, no feedback is better than negative feedback, I suppose.
Still, it can be tough to stay motivated and confident when it feels as though I am whispering into an empty closet, hoping the coats will pat me on the back.
Do or Do Not
I feel like I forgot how to make friends.
I’ll meet someone new and immediately start behaving in very stupid ways. And I know I’m being annoying, I can feel myself going too far and pushing too hard, but I can’t stop. I feel like I’m thirteen years old all over again trying to get the girl I like to notice me.
The thing is, it’s got nothing to do with girls or being romantically interested. I just want the people I like to like me back. Instead of doing what I should, which is ignore that set of emotions entirely and relax and enjoy their company, I give into these awful urges to try.
Trying, I have concluded, is more or less the worst thing you can do, ever. People don’t like people who try. They like people who don’t try. Trying makes you seem desperate. Not trying makes you seem cool.
I guess I’ll have to try to remember to try to not try.
My First
Some things are hard to let go of. My first car was one of them.
But sometimes, you let go to make room for something new. I let go of my car to make room in my life to pursue a dream.
Of course, it’s not letting go of a car that is difficult. A car is just a vehicle for people and for memories. It’s letting go of those memories, the time spent with those people, the familiar smell of the heat blowing sleep into your face during a snowstorm, the hundreds of trips between home and the places you loved just as much, the way your hands knew where to go and what to press without having to think about it, and the sound of someone you love settling into the seat next to you.
It’s easy to objectify an object and forget about it. It already is one. It’s much harder to remember that some objects are something more. She wasn’t just my first car; she was my my first job, my first trip alone, my first love, and now, my first bet on myself.
I’ll remember everything she’s been and done for me.
Nostalgia Is
Your favorite song playing on repeat, just loud enough so that you can’t hear it.
The smell that brings back intense emotions, but not the memories that go with them.
Holding your favorite childhood toy in your hand and it doesn’t bring it to life.
An episode of an old TV show that you didn’t understand until now.
A friend who has changed too much to recognize.
One who has changed too little to not.
The anticipation of a moment that never comes.
Motivation.
“These Are The Days”
Let it wash over,
The sounds of one last night
And the heat leaving our bodies
To return to the stars.
Can we get back to where we’ve been
Without giving up where we’re going?
Take this in,
The glow of a distant city
And the song of the waves
Playing the legs of a bridge.
Can we get back to each other
Without forgetting ourselves?
Breathe in the night,
The mist defending the tress
And the life that cold air pumps into you,
Like water through the cracks of the Earth.
This moment is a lifetime,
This night is forever.
Away
Do not go away from me,
come back.
When leaves are falling and the air turns stale,
come back.
Do not hide your eyes, or bury your head.
Do not cover your face in warm tears.
Do not go away from me,
Do not go away.
(From 9/10/12)
Catching Up
As we took off, I got to see Providence from the air in daylight for the first time ever. It was so small and reassuring. I got to say “bye.” I think I’m very lucky to have a place like this to come back to if things don’t work out in California. And yet, as much as I already miss everyone and everything that I can’t take with me, I don’t want to come back. I want things to go well in California. I don’t want to have a fall back plan.
The sun was setting on the only city I’ve ever lived near and it dawned on me how amazing it was that I was flying. Which is stupid, not profound at this point in the history of human aeronautics. Still, I realized all over again how special it is. Flying. The city. Going someplace new.
(From 8/28/12)
“Tomorrow”
